Yard Sale

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Comedy/Romance/, USA, 2012

Synopsis Manny (Rico Rodriguez) is having a yard sale for his Social Studies class so they learn about global altruism, but Luke (Nolan Gould) knows the truth. They just want to raise more money for charity so they get a pizza party.MANNY: Your cynicism scares me.LUKE: Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a pizza.Jay (Ed O'Neill) isn't much for the sale because he doesn't want a bunch of strangers in his house, Haley (Sarah Hyland) is upset her stuff is being given away...even though she hasn't used any of it in almost a decade...and Claire (Julie Bowen) doesn't want to argue about it. ("Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster.") Alex (Ariel Winter) wants to bring a friend to the yard sale. Claire was convinced Michael was gay, but Alex made out with him twice and there was even some under-the-shirt action. (ALEX: His chest is very smooth.) Phil (Ty Burrell) refuses to get rid of his street strider, even when Alex considers it nerdy...and she's fluent in Elvish.PHIL: (upset) Don't you realize this is a cardio-vascular workout system that could prolong my life?CLAIRE: Yeah, but what life? And with whom?Cameron's (Eric Stonestreet) contribution to the yard sale were six pairs of jeans he didn't need because he lost 25 pounds...and made sure everybody knew about that. But Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) didn't want him to get rid of the jeans because they were fairly new and he'd have to buy new ones again when (if!) he gained the weight. But Jay's suggestion of hiding them in the car when Cam wasn't looking sounded like a good idea. And now we see why Jay didn't like yard sales, as a guy wearing a $10,000 watch wanted to purchase a 50-cent ashtray for 35 cents. (and wanted Jay to break a $50) For Gloria (Sofía Vergara), Manny selling a suitcase he found in the attic was a very cardinal sin. She grabbed it, took it back, and scared the crap out of both Manny and Luke. Luke thought there was a human head in there.MANNY: Why is that always your first guess?LUKE: One of these days, I'm going to be right.Jay moved a Harley out of the line of fire, given someone was dumb enough to offer $100 for it. Phil was very much interested in buying it from Jay, but he knew Claire would never allow it. She hears the conversation and says he can have it. Naturally, he thinks it's a trap, but Claire actually thought it was kind of sexy. Not that Jay wanted to hear that, but he let Phil go for a test drive. Claire thought he might be nervous. (PHIL: Hey, I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs.) Actually, Phil did quite well, riding the bike all the way up to the canyon. Then he discovered the hard way you have to put your feet on the ground when you stop. Yes, he fell and the bike fell on him.Michael arrives, and Claire asks Mitch and Cam what they think, saying she doesn't want Alex to have her heart broken over a guy. ("Not until she's at least 18 or 19 and then she can drink her way through it.") They figure since straight guys aren't afraid to be well-groomed and gay guys aren't afraid to butch it up, it would be hard to tell from just a look and an intro. Then Alex introduces Michael to them. ("Yup, he's gay." "We stand corrected.") But when Claire found Alex and Michael sittin' in a tree ("Do I have to spell it out for you?"), Mitch thought it would be the perfect opporunity to go talk to him...and deflect the conversation away from the six pairs of jeans Cam just found in the car. (CLAIRE: You two have credibility, I have the opposite of credibility. I'm...a mother.) Cam agreed to go talk to them.Luke and Manny open Gloria's suitcase...and there WAS a head in there! It was attached to the body of a ventriloquist's dummy, but that counted as far as Luke was concerned. They go and grill Gloria on why she had it. It turns out, she was in a beauty pageant when she was young, and to distinguish herself from the other girls who would juggle knives for their talent, she brought out Uncle Grumpy. But she froze and couldn't do it. So she lost.GLORIA: No, I won. (gestures to her body) Imagine this when I was 18. (plenty of guys do, I'm sure)So why keep the dummy all these years if it was the worst night of her life? Maybe she wanted to work through this and get some closure, according to Michael.Michael making a bracelet for Alex out of a shower ring and some leather laces was the last straw for Claire. Cam told Alex a story of a girl he dated when he was young before he fell head over heels for someone else (a guy), and the unprintable things she spraypainted on his father's barn made him think she was upset. But Alex could tell what was coming a mile away and was mad Claire brought out her big gay guns.ALEX: No offense.MITCHELL: None taken.CAMERON: I kind of liked it.Since this was 2012, Alex figured she could just ask Michael. He denied being gay, claiming he took Alex to prom and kissed her. He was quite upset and wanted to be left alone. Unfortunately, Jay had to return the toaster that wasn't part of the yard sale, nor was the pot-bellied pig, aka Stella II.MICHAEL: Why does everybody think I'm gay?!?JAY: God, I hate yard sales.Fortunately, given Alex and Michael were 14, their feud didn't last long. Cam found his jeans in a bush and confronted Mitchell. He wanted Cam to have a 'safety net', just in case, but Cam didn't want the safety net because he had to be motivated to keep the weight off. Phil freed himself from under the bike after a couple of heartfelt emails he sent, since apparently he couldn't get voice but he got data. All he needed to do was cut off a pant leg to make it work. And Claire was able to get him to hate the bike without her being the one to stop him. Luke went to apologize to Gloria, although he told her Manny would be disappointed because Manny always felt she was fearless. At least that's what he always told kids at school right before they gave him a wedgie. But Luke wanted to see a puppet show and knew how to get Gloria out of the house with Uncle Grumpy. Of course, Gloria didn't quite get the concept of making Uncle Grumpy talk without moving her lips, but whatevs. Besides, Jay interrupted her performance by getting out of the house, saying the only difference between a yard sale and a home invasion was he could shoot people in a home invasion.CLAIRE: Oh, my God! She married her puppet!

Directed by Gail Mancuso  

Starring Ed O'Neill, Sofía Vergara, Julie Bowen, Ty Burrell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, more...

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