Regrets Only

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Comedy/Romance/, USA, 2011, 30 min.

Synopsis Phil (Ty Burrell) and Claire (Julie Bowen) had a fight? Perish the thought. And why is Claire on the couch? Doesn't the husband usually get kicked out of the bedroom in traditional sitcoms? Anyway, they hope they're past their fight, even though Phil has no clue why Claire was upset. Although the disaster area that was the kitchen, including exploded microwave, may have had something to do with it. Speaking of marital bliss, Jay (Ed O'Neill) thought he finally got Gloria (Sofía Vergara) a great gift on time for her birthday. He forgot once and paid for it. He got her the wrong thing once and paid for it. This time, the gift was perfect: a karaoke machine. Yes, he's paying for it. Gloria is no Juice Newton, that's for certain. Jay dropping a spoon down the waste disposal on purpose might have been my first clue. Jay makes the mistake of asking what happened the previous night, and the story of the raccoon didn't hold. Since Jay couldn't fix the microwave, it was time to go to the mall. Which Phil didn't want to do with Claire, so he makes up an excuse to get his hair cut. But Jay tells him Gloria cuts hair and does a pretty good job of it.GLORIA: I guess I could. I do Jay. Why can't I can do you?PHIL: (very awkward) Sure, you me.Jay has no problem taking Claire to the mall. Anything to avoid Gloria's singing.Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) was having an event at the house that night, and he was completely excited. Not about the event, but about the fact the last guy who ran the event was an 'arch-enemy' of Cam's (he likes having an archenemy), and nobody RSVP'ed in the negative for the party. Probably because Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) never sent the invitations out. They were hiding under his gym bag in the car.MITCHELL: I feel terrible. I haven't been to the gym in six weeks. And I ruined Cam's event.There being a PETA event the same night doesn't help, so Mitchell can't get anybody to show up last minute, and Luke's (Nolan Gould) assistance isn't going so well. But Cam isn't worried...yet. Even took the time to rub it in to Andrew, his arch-enemy. ("Better get home to Donald. That is the name of your cat, isn't it?")Now anybody who knows what Sofía Vergara looks like and has ever had their hair cut while sitting in a normal chair would probably guess something was constantly in Phil's face during his haircut. Well, technically, two things. Of course, he's trying to avoid it/them, but Gloria is getting upset with his fidgeting. Gloria guessed (correctly, actually) that Phil had another thing on his mind (and only one thing). He asks for advice on the fight he had the prior night. Gloria thought that's why Phil avoided the mall, when in reality Claire enjoyed the masseur at the mall WAY too much.Haley (Sarah Hyland) had a job at a restaurant and was making quite a lot in tips, which Phil and Claire were matching dollar-for-dollar. Alex (Ariel Winter) was naturally suspicious, and she grilled Manny (Rico Rodriguez) for details when he claimed he never saw Haley at the restaurant. And now we know why Alex is the smart one: she figures out Haley hangs out at the mall and flashes the same cash Jay gave her for her birthday to bump up the donation from Mom and Dad for the car. Sure enough, Alex knows where she wants to go to dinner tonight.After putting up with watching his daughter moan enough from her massage to have her own porno flick, Jay demands to know what the fight was about, as did Gloria with Phil. Phil saw her freak out, but he didn't know anything else. We get a flashback to the fight, presumably from Phil's perspective, as Claire didn't say why she was going ballistic. In the Jay/Claire combination, we find out she stormed out ("right out of your mother's playbook), only to get her robe caught in the outside door, resulting in her being outside in her lingerie. She tries to crawl back inside through a vent, only to spook Phil and have him turn a fire extinguisher on her. She was completely off the reservation now, grabbed the extinguisher, and turned it on Phil. He slipped and fell, taking the microwave door with him.But Gloria can't believe she did that for no reason. Turns out Claire was upset her friend blew her off for lunch without a note. But Phil did write a note...on a piece of paper the size of a thumbnail. ("You do that to me, and I kill you.") Then he told Claire about the "accident" that "wasn't her fault". ("You do the air bunnies to me, and I kill you.") THEN, he tells her he ran into an old girlfriend and is getting coffee with her. ("You tell me you see an old girlfriend, and I..." "Kill me, yes.") But wait! There's more! He picked up the broccoli and not the cauliflower. And that set her off.But on the other side of the conversation, Claire tells Jay what's really going on. Phil had a wedge salad at his friend's suggestion. Not hers, like she told him way back. Same with music, movies, everything. He'll listen to everyone's opinions except hers. They confronted each other about it in the morning (Phil still didn't have a clue.) And Claire thought Jay should confront Gloria about the karaoke singing. Be a straight shooter.JAY: When you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.Cameron can't find Mitchell, who is busy trying to get invitations out to anybody and everybody he can. Meanwhile, Phil and Claire take Alex to Haley's restaurant. Haley tries the 'ol 'no reservation' trick, but Alex thought of that one already. They order drinks (Alex making a really complicated drink order, natch) and Haley tries to hit up a real waitress to get the drinks for her. Phil tries to make amends, saying he won't be seeing is ex and nobody called for Claire. (No, it's not working.) The gift of a cauliflower doesn't work, either. Claire finally wonders what the hell he's doing.PHIL: I still feel bad know...what I did. (which he didn't)Claire still claims they're OK, until Phil takes a suggestion from his friend, Skip Woosnam, for a wedge salad. Claire finally goes off on him about not taking her suggestions. They made her feel like she didn't matter. And Haley got "fired" because of Mom's little outburst.It was a family party at Cam and Mitchell's, because nobody else showed. And Gloria's singing has gotten worse. ("We passed by two cars and dogs stuck their heads back in the windows.") But at least now Claire knows Phil was thankful she changed him for the better in a hundred different ways, if the lack of a ponytail and feathered earring were any indication. ("I may miss a book or a salad here and there, but I've got Claire all over me.") Cameron goes up to start the very quiet evening, but Mitchell comes through in the clutch.JAY: You can't have a successful marriage without being a good listener. Sometimes it takes work, sometiems it takes a lot of work. And sometimes it's just excruciating.Fortunately, Manny begs Gloria to stop before Jay says anything. Jay is a coward, according to Manny. But he did try to sing Danny Boy. ("You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.")

Directed by Dean Parisot  

Starring Ed O'Neill, Sofía Vergara, Julie Bowen, Ty Burrell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, more...

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